I honestly have no idea what I am doing with my life right now.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

I don’t know if I will stay longer than one year.

There is so much paperwork, stress, constant language barriers and feeling like an idiot for not being able to communicate, confusion, and a general feeling of being untethered. 

There are looming problems: Chris won’t be able to drive beyond 6 months without a new driver’s license… he has to take a driving exam in Spanish, and pass a driving test with an instructor.  The appointments are booked out for at least six months, and you might be able to get one in a different area of Spain… but you’ll have a way less likely chance of driving with someone who speaks English! 

Will had to get a medical certificate today to play soccer (yet another appointment, another piece of paper), and I was trying to let him know what was going on by narrating, “The doctor is checking you for scoliosis” and Will said, “Oh, like Colin?” and I said, “No! Colin doesn’t have scoliosis!” but the doctor’s demeanor was immediately one of concern.  “Who has scoliosis?! Did a medical professional say he has scoliosis?” and I’m trying to say in English and Spanish, “No.. nunca.. No one has scoliosis.” Will can’t play in the soccer games until a batch of paperwork is approved by FIFA, and they probably will not understand why we do not have jobs. We have a non-lucrative visa, which is probably rare for people with young kids trying to play soccer, so we had to leave some sections blank on his application and get a note from a lawyer to explain our visa situation. Everything is complicated. Everything takes extra steps. 

And I’m left wondering… why? Why am I doing this? And I have no easy bail-out option- if we moved back to the US, where would we even move back to? I can’t let myself think about it for too long without getting panicky.

The kids seem to like school for the most part, but it’s an incredibly long day from 9-5.  They do get a 30 minute break in the morning to go outside, and 1.5 hours for lunch and recess.  This is EXCELLENT, and yet… it’s still draining to be in a classroom for so long. Colin has to learn Spanish, French, and Mandarin. We’re actively trying to get him OUT of French class, but it’s proving to be a challenge. We would love for our kids to just be able to focus their brain energy on learning Spanish only, but a lot of these international students have been learning multiple languages since birth. It makes me feel very ignorant, and I’m kicking myself for not teaching them a second language earlier in life. I definitely had the time and opportunity to do that with them. And I’ve taught so many language learners, and even taught at a Mandarin immersion school! I definitely know how good it is for brains to learn a second language- but I chose not to incorporate it into homeschool.

It’s only been two weeks. I hesitate to share some of these thoughts, but I want to write honestly about my journey, and today I am questioning myself big time.

But here is a win… today I went to a dance class with my neighbor! Chris and I joined a gym, and I was thrilled that they offer dance classes. It was so much fun, and although I didn’t understand anything anyone around me was saying, I got a great workout and it put me in a great mood.  The instructor told my friend, “This girl is a quick learner- and she has amazing energy!” and I said, “Si, no tengo muchas palabras, pero puedo traer energia!” *Yes, I don’t have words, but I can bring energy!

At least for part of the day… and then I crash.  I definitely underestimated the energy required to translate things constantly.  I have to translate cooking instructions, directions, signs everywhere, small interactions with sales clerks, ordering at restaurants, and obviously larger conversations with coaches and neighbors. It’s overwhelming. 

Again, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

Past Maggie had some crazy confidence that her future self could handle this. But now that Future Maggie is currently Present Maggie, I am questioning Past Maggie big time.